JOURNEYS Mennonite Stories of Faith and Survival in Stalins Russia, John B. Toews, 1998

y unfailing love for you will not be shaken, nor my covenant of peace be removed.” (Isaiah 54:10) Then someone seemed to say to me “The mountain is your husband, the hills are your children. They will be shaken and removed, but my grace will remain with you. ” What a struggle ensued. I asked the Lord, “Do you mean that Abraham will never come back to me?” I found it very difficult to accept that. In all the ensuing confusion, I forgot about the experience. I remem¬ bered the verse when little Jacob died. Later the Lord led me even deeper. It happened after the war, when the men were coming home. Peter vanished at the front. Abraham and Heinrich both 28 JOURNEYS died of asthma. My eldest children were no more. My eldest daughter who was at home and married before I returned also died of asthma. Again the verse “my unfailing love for you will not be shaken” comforted me .... It was very difficult at home, but I had to forge ahead because the land for the garden had to be prepared. In addition to work¬ ing in the collective, I had chores at home which involved cook¬ ing and baking for six children with a seventh child on the way. Four months after my husband s arrest, my little son Jacob be¬ came seriously ill for three weeks. I did not even undress for the night as I looked after him. During this difficult time, I simply prayed, “Lord, give me strength, you know that I want to give the child to you.” One morning Jacob lay calmly looking at me for a long time. Then he closed his eyes, and without any struggle, my darling passed into eternity. I went and called the children .... I had to see to it that a coffin was made and select a grave site. Heinrich and I prepared Jacobs body for burial. I told the children to carry the coffin to the cemetery where I uttered a short prayer. I told them to close the coffin and lower it into the grave. There was no singing or public participation, only my children and two aunts were present. The local hospital was giving very poor care. Germans were given little consideration. It seemed as if the Russians wished to eradicate all Germans. As several women had already died, I won¬ dered who would help me by taking me to the hospital when the time came for the birth of my child. It all appeared so incredibly difficult. I could no longer cry; it seemed as though my tear ducts had dried up. When previously I had always sung, now I did not even think of singing .... One day as I stood in the doorway, my son Heinrich came in .... He said, “Mother, things cant go on this way.” “Heinrich, cant you see that my situation is incredibly diffi¬ cult ?” I replied. “Yes, Mother, I can. But Mother we are still here and we need to be comforted by you. You cannot do that if you give yourself over to despair. I too would like to leave all my concerns and care about nothing.” He began to cry and walked out of the house. I awoke as if from a dream. The poor children had