Perilous Journey: The Mennonite Brethren in Russia 1860-1910, John B. Toews, 1988

lties of bringing the entire Mennonite community into the church, yet believed that godliness must express itself in this context. He and his fellow ministers on the Lehrdienst (minis- terial council) generally subscribed to a narrow pathway. His sermons imply that Epp believed in the importance of spiritual transformation but he was never explicit about the exact nature of that experience. Was one simply born into the Christian community and reared in the faith or was a dramatic rebirth essential? He never spoke specifically about Bekehrung (con- version) as a dramatic turnabout, yet constantly longed for Busse (repentance) and Bekehrung in his parish. 1 Preoccupied with the daily problems of the visible Kingdom, Epp struggled to affirm the sufficiency of Christ but sometimes with a sense of desperation and at times pessimism. There was a working out of salvation with "fear and trembling," a reluctance to speak freely of liberating faith or of joy in the Lord. The diary suggests that mid-century Mennonite piety, while proclaiming the essentials of Christian salvation, lacked a firm conviction on the subject. It seemed one could never quite be sure. In June, 1868, David's son Jacob, now also a minister, confided the following to his diary. Oh how perverse is my heart! How it vacillates between good and evil! How lukewarm is the love for the Lord Jesus! Oh Lord Jesus through Thy mighty power create a new heart in me.... Do not weary of patiently carrying me, a poor sinner, further. Oh if I could only 25 extinguish all the lusts of my flesh and be cleansed from my leprosy of sin by You. O Jesus, you Son of David, my Lord and God, have mercy on me. 2 There was another confession in July. Oh I wretched man: who will deliver me from this body of sin and death! Help me Oh my Jesus, purge all my sins according to your great mercy and give me a new better heart, a chaste, pure spirit, eager for truth and [desirous] of walking in your light... 3 There were other moments of despair. How anxious I am in my soul. Will the Lord forgive me my trespasses... 4 Oh Lord Lord my heart is so cold and empty! Warm and revive it with your love to eternal life! Poor me — I preach repentance and forgiveness of sin to the people through the atoning death of Christ and my own heart longs for salvation. Oh Lord Jesus help me to achieve it. 5 When will my frail body, like a perishable seed be laid in the ground! Oh Lord Jesus grant me the grace to be among those redeemed by your blood on the resurrection day. Oh if I could only totally belong to the Lord Jesus! Alarming doubts about the certainty of my salvation afflict my soul. Oh God how cold and disobedient my heart remains. Strive [my] soul that you enter the narrow gate of true repentance into eternal life. 6 Today I celebrated my birthday. I have 48 years behind me. Oh how many a sin, how much treachery have I committed during my life. God forgive me